When Lava Turns into Diamonds

“Diamonds were formed in the earth thousands of years ago under extreme heat and pressure. This extreme heat and pressure in the earth transformed the carbon into crystals and turned it colorless. Although diamonds formed deep in the earth, volcanic activity is what brought them to the surface.” – Bryan Boyne

In about two and a half weeks, Andrew and I will be waltzing into GBMC, eyes filled with tears, and Hearts filled with hope. I cannot believe our little baby boy is almost here after 9 very long months. After going through so much pain and grief 13 months ago, I can finally breathe again and grasp a joy that I cannot explain.

I was in Kay Jewelers with Andrew last weekend to get our rings polished. While we were there, the manager was informing us that we should get our rings insured under our Home Owners insurance. Apparently, that’s a thing and if you for some reason had a house fire your rings could melt. It got me thinking, I have had my fair share of Diamonds throughout the span of my life thanks to Andrew, my parents, state champions ships, and purity promises. I never really thought about how they were made, or where they were from, I just squealed and put them on my finger and started talking with my hands more because they were so blingy.

After that experience at Kay Jewelers, I have thought so much about the “Diamonds” we receive in our life, and no I am not talking about the actual rings, I am talking about the small and large victories we receive in life itself. I want you to think about the scary, volcanic activity that has erupted in your life and caused you pain and agony. Some of those volcanic explosions, may have left an everlasting imprint on your life. Some have been brewing for a very long time, and one day it just knocked the wind out of you and sucked the life out of you!

While volcanic activity causes such destruction at the time, it forms the most beautiful, breath taking, clear, and extraordinary masterpiece. Just as Satan causes such horrific volcanic activity in your life, Jesus comes and picks up the broken pieces that have shattered onto the ground and forms those “Diamonds” in your life.

1 Peter 5:10 says, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

Pray for Andrew and I as we approach these next two weeks. For our emotions are all over the place and we are desperately seeking praying and encouragement for this baby boy in two weeks! Thank you for all your support and Prayers!! And let us know how we can pray for you! We love ya’ll!

 

 

 

Much Love,

KMA

 

 

The Attraction Within Reaction

Every morning I wake up and think back to 10 months ago, 10 very short months ago. While I think about January 20th every single morning, I react differently each and every morning to January 20th. For example, the month of February I woke up each morning hysterically crying and in denial. In March, I woke up every morning wondering when I would be cleared to work out so I could release my anger in the gym, and the constant reminder of my post partum stomach. April was full of days wondering when we would get answers, due to the time line we were given from a pathologist. Answers that could mend my empty soul, and bring me clarity if something from my own body caused Kennedy’s death. In May, I started to see results from my work outs and felt better emotionally, and then Mothers day came along and placed me back to January. In June, Andrew and I were cleared to try to have another baby. June was also the month we were preparing to move into our brand new home.
My emotions felt like a roller coaster to say the least. July, Andrew and I woke up every morning feeling hopeful and restored. We not only owned our first home, we built it, and found out within  a week of living in it that we were PREGNANT!  July felt like an antibiotic that finally ran its course. August, September, October and November I have felt nothing but peace. During these months we woke up much happier and embraced whatever the day had for us. While we had our moments full of sorrow and sadness, we were able to look at God’s bigger picture and focus on the prettier parts of the picture and this sweet new life growing inside of me.
For those of you that know me, you know that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. You may also know that I typically have my life together and know not only the next step I take, but the next mile. God really taught me how to rely fully on him these last ten months and think about my reaction when I encounter something that’s not to my liking. I have learned that people hear me better when I slow down before a reaction. I have also learned that I like people who think before they react to an encounter that is outside of their will. Those people that think before they react teach me to be humble, and slow to speak.
While, grief and depression are all very normal emotions when it comes to tragedy, its also not your ultimate answer. God wants us to choose life over death, and wants us to make something of our tribulations! CHOOSE attraction within your reaction and don’t settle when you encounter something not in your will. God has you my friend.
en·coun·ter
VERB
  1. unexpectedly experience or be faced with (something difficult or hostile):
    “we have encountered one small problem”
     
    be faced with · confront
    NOUN

 

        1.an unexpected or casual meeting with someone or something.

 

 

 

If Andrew and I can pray for you in any way shape or form, don’t hesitate to reach out to us by social media, text, phone calls and even email! (Kmfogle13@gmail.com).

                                                                                  Blessings,
                                                                                           KMA
attractive-infinity-strength-tattoo-stencil

 

 

Kennedy Anderson

Have you ever day dreamed about where you would be while your water broke? Or how much time you had to get to the hospital and start the delivery process before your contractions were unbearable? From June 14th 2015 (the day I found out I was pregnant) to January 19th 2016 (36 weeks and the last day I felt Kennedy move) I day dreamed every single day about where and when my water would break, and how much time I had until I could hold my baby girl for the very first time.

January 19th, 2016 at 2:00 pm I was sitting at my desk at work googling what Braxton hicks felt like because I had suspected I was in labor. Sure enough, my contractions became stronger, and about 5 mins apart. I was feeling my sweet baby move like crazy causing me to lean over as if I was going to throw up. I then decided to call Andrew and tell him that he needed to come home and take me to the hospital because I was POSITIVE that I was in labor, or something was wrong.

At 3:30 pm I was sitting in a triage room hooked up to a bunch of monitors that measured my contractions, Kennedy’s heartrate, my blood pressure, and my heart rate. While lying in the hospital bed staring at the little papers that constantly printed out from the monitor I had this exciting feeling that I would have the honor of being a mommy within a couple of hours. I mean why wouldn’t I think that? I was having horrible cramping/contractions, I had 3 contractions every 10 minutes, and I felt my stomach drop severely. While I laid there holding my husband’s hand I remember telling him that I HOPE AND PRAY Kennedy looks like him and has his brains!!

I also vividly remember texting my parents and Andrews parents letting them know that Kennedy might make an appearance due to my constant contractions and symptoms. With exciting feelings from both sets of parents knowing that their first grandbaby would soon enter the world. Shortly after those text back and forth, Andrew and I are sitting in the room very close together and watched my stomach shake profusely. I have never had a seizure before, but if I did I would describe that same shake as a seizure inside of my belly. I immediately hit my nurse button and let the nurse know the feeling I had. Of course, she did her job and brought the person in charge into our triage room. This person in charge was not a doctor unfortunately, it was a midwife.

I expressed my concerns and fears to the midwife, and told her the contractions are very strong and I think Kennedy had a seizure. My husband told the midwife as well that he could physically see my stomach shaking profusely. I already felt very uncomfortable with this certain midwife because she didn’t seem to be on her “A game” with me. After checking my cervix twice in 45 mins, not performing an ultrasound and telling me “I am a first time mom and I just need to relax because it may be Braxton hicks”, the midwife sent me home. I told her how I still felt the same and I was nervous, but her answer didn’t seem to change and off I went.

Little did I know, on January 19th, 2016 I was feeling and staring at my sweet baby girls heart beat for the very last time. After being discharged from the triage room I only felt worse and my anxiety was through the roof. I told Andrew I didn’t feel right and went to bed at 7:00 pm. While Andrew fell right to sleep, I just laid in my bed and cried till 1:00 AM. I finally got up around 1:45 AM and got my at home fetal Doppler out and tried finding Kennedy’s heartbeat. It usually takes me 2 seconds to find it. After 5 minutes of not being able to find it, I got up from my bed and walked in the bathroom crying. I closed the door so I wouldn’t wake Andrew up and I tried one more time to find Kennedys heartbeat, and I couldn’t. Not to mention, she wasn’t moving around in my belly like she usually does at 2 AM. I woke Andrew up and I was a wreck, I told him we need to go back to the hospital because I couldn’t find Kennedy’s heartbeat.

I walked upstairs and woke my parents up and told them that Kennedy was dead. Of course my parents wanted to calm me down and tell me she was just sleeping because she was tired. However, I knew she was gone because I could just feel her body float in my stomach in such a lifeless matter. Never doubt your motherly instinct! I hate myself so much for not staying in that hospital and demanding a DOCTOR!

8 hours after being discharged from the hospital the night before, I encountered the same midwife that sent me home and told me, “you’re going to be fine”, “it’s probably just Braxton hicks”. I walked in at 3 AM and told her I was not fine and something is wrong, and that I could not feel my baby anymore. Sure enough, the nurse put the Doppler on my stomach for 4 minutes and could not find Kennedy’s heartbeat. The nurse then finally called in the Doctor on call (not my doctor I had been dealing with whom I love and adore) and ordered an ultrasound due to non-existing heartbeat. While I watched my precious baby’s heart still on the ultrasound monitor, I died inside too.

The doctor looked up at me and softly said, “At this time there is no heartbeat, I’m sorry”. As the doctor was saying those very words, all I could do was look up at the midwife that sent me home 8 hours before this moment. There was a lot exchanged during that time, however I will not share it on the internet. The doctors gave Andrew and I 20 minutes of privacy as we fiercely grieved and wept. We both were dreading the phone calls we had to make to our excited parents who were grandparents to be for the very first time. Once the horrible phone calls were made, my parents and siblings arrived at the hospital within 10 minutes and Andrew’s family was headed to airport to jump on a plane and head our way right away.

As I tried screwing my head back on for a few short minutes to focus on the next step in this horrible nightmare, the doctor looked at me and said, ”Kacie, we are going to have to induce you and you will have to vaginally deliver within 24 hours.” I remember staring through the top of the sheer triage curtain thinking there is no way I can do this. I cried out to God so loudly in front of the nurses and doctors and begged him to wake me up from this. I begged God to give me strength and allow Andrew and I to get through the next couple of hours. I looked at the doctor with fear and told her there was no way I could find strength to vaginally deliver Kennedy dead. The doctor assured me I would be fine and sent my family to room we would deliver in.

Around 6:30 am I was propped up on my bed squeezing my nurse’s hands as they threaded the epidural through my spine. They tried threading it through about 4 times and it was so painful and uncomfortable. After four tries with the epidural, my left side took the medicine but my right side didn’t, however my body was pumped with strong pain medicines through my IV so I was stable enough. Plus, my nurses were absolutely amazing, and the doctor I worked hand in hand with throughout my whole pregnancy finally was on call and came to the rescue. I know God sent angels through my nurses and my doctor to surround my family with support and confidence.

As usual, the contractions were horrible, and getting more frequent and painful. As soon as I was fully dilated I aggressively pushed Kennedy as hard as I possibly could and my body felt weaker and weaker. I only pushed for 15 minutes, however, it felt like eternity. Still births are a little more difficult because the baby doesn’t have a natural force of moving out of the birth canal. As her head appeared 7 times with 7 hard pushes, I gave up. I asked for help from my doctor and out she went.  I had an episiotomy, third degree tear, and three layers of stitches. I guess it seemed so much worse because I had no trophy, I had no Kennedy. When the nurse gracefully laid Kennedy on my chest I felt my heart stop, I felt my soul withering away, and my mind shut down all at the same time. Kennedy was perfect in every way and had every feature I wanted her to have. I prayed and journaled throughout my pregnancy of things I wanted Kennedy to have. She had her daddy’s curly thick hair, her mommy’s big shaped eyes, her grandmothers blue eyes, her aunt Hopes perfectly plump lips, and her daddy’s hands.

Believe it or not, I prayed and journaled for every single one of those things for Kennedy and I couldn’t believe she had them all. Andrew and I held her for 24 hours and then I had to give her away for forever. There are no words to describe that feeling. All I can say is I don’t know how people get through those situations without having a relationship with Jesus and pounds of faith. Especially when Andrew and I had to make a reservation to meet with the funeral home just two days after she passed. Normally you are picking out a cute outfit for a social media picture to show the world your beautiful trophy, but not us; we had to pick out an urn.

Once again, I have NO IDEA how people can get through these horrible nightmares without faith, and hope in Jesus! Andrew and I had to sign papers to consent Kennedy’s cremation and all I can remember was praying and crying out to Jesus for strength. I couldn’t believe it. After the meeting Andrew and I came home with our family and celebrated Kennedy’s life. We wrote letters to her and taped them on to pink balloons and let them go to heaven.

As much as I could dwell on all the things I didn’t have, I am not going to. I am dwelling on my strong marriage with the most amazing man, husband, and daddy. I am dwelling on the fact that my entire family was in the room with Andrew and I from 5:00 am on Wednesday morning through Friday morning at 11:30. I am dwelling on my amazing nurses that took care of my husband and I from the moment we left the midwives supervision. I am dwelling on Jesus holding me and allowing me to be healthy and fight the good fight here on earth.

Life is so small, yet our purpose is so big! I truly believe God allowed Andrew and I to go through this horrible time to glorify him and develop a ministry that can reach people in such dark times!  Always have hope and rest in his promises, he will not fail you!

-KMA

Kennedy